No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
become ungovernable
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
when there are deer in the woods
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!