Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
who did the taste test?
Still a very good boi….
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing