America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
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We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
This meal prepping shit is easy
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!