My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
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Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy