Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
2 years later
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts