Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
the composer
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Not recommended for beginners.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?