Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
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The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.