JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
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Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.