[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
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I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.