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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Bootstraps
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection