“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
You Might Also Like
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”