*pronounces fake like saké*
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“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
This has made my week.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
who will stop them
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.