A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
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Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Wait a minute…
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats