The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Natty or not?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
LMAO.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*pronounces surface like Versace*
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer