trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Feel. He’s so soft.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it