I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
one last job
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Well well well…
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
This is a true ally.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”