*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
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The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…