coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
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Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
nobody’s gonna understand
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??