“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
From Facebook just now…
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *