GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
me before I type out affect or effect
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.