What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
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why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope