My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
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my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
had to make it
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp