If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
so weird how every mom was born today
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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(crunch)
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.