KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Are you ok, human???
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
🙅🏻