6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
an airline just for babies.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…