So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
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MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
they split up moments later
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not