All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
This classic never gets old . . .
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you