If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Is fructose made with real fruct?