From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
it is time once again
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs