Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
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shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
accurate
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday