Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
nature’s most graceful animal
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.