A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
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hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.