Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.