Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.