Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
i’m still crying at this
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Our lord and savoury.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho