*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what