Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z