Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
When you’re here for the treats.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
The happy life.. 😊
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.