Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
🍞🦆
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.