Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.