My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
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My daily affirmation
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.