Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
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I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in