Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
your honor my client chooses dare
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Worst Native American name ever.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways