wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
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Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Me too 😆
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.