Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
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[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My dating profile:
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.