[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
This is amazing.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]