Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work