Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
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“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
cause of death:
autopsy.