*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
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Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I’m being attacked 😭
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
🍞🦆
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol