Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke